Commencement is right around the corner. I've found people who are scared shitless, and some who are just bursting to throw off that robe and get started with the rest of life. I fall somewhere in between, I think. Some days I am more one way than the other. But seeing people in my position, who are somewhat ready to go, has kind of helped me to accept it.
I have to give props to those people who have the courage to settle matters before such a huge step in our lives. It's not easy to go back to the past. You can't take back things that you have said and not said. You can't make people forget the times you were stubborn for no reason and acted like the unfriend. You can't go back to all the people you fooled around with and tell them you wish them a good life full of happiness, even though in the depth of your heart, way down beneath the dark hurt hate, you really do wish them the world.
Graduating from 8th grade and from high school was different. People cried at my 8th grade graduation. I just shook my head. Half of us were going to the same damn high school right around the corner. I should have been the one crying because I had to put up with them for another four years.
High school was different too. I cried when I graduated. I went through the same thing I am going through now. I alone among my friends saw the creeping up of graduation, where we were all going different places. Rebecca to LMU. Shelley to Harvey Mudd. But with few exceptions, I didn't have anyone I would really miss. I convinced myself I was ready for college, and I was excited and ready to take that next step. I liked the fact that I wouldn't know many people when I went to college (and as it turned out, one girl from high school lived on my floor, another on the ground floor, and a third in my office, not to mention countless others in my classes and coming in every damn year).
I can look back on my life and say that I had the best damn college experience ever. It rocked harder than I thought possible. I ended up doing something that I had wanted to do ever since my first year: live in a house with friends. True, it wasn't a rugby house. But from July 1st up until when we move out, the Du and everyone who has set foot inside (with few exceptions) has rocked my world harder than you will ever know.
Now I'll have to move back home, move my awesome furniture into storage, find a job, and get ready for more schooling.
I think the only fleeting desire I have is to travel. I admire Davina for picking up and moving to Oregon. I admire people who travel around for a while, checking out different cities and areas and countries. I feel the desire once again to hop on a train headed for anywhere just to think about life and see the life flowing around me. But I suppose there's always at least one or two things we all wish we could have done. And I've got nothing to complain about. SCU has treated me well. I will look at my degrees and my pictures and my thesis and projects with pride knowing that I learned how to work hard and have a good time all at the same time.
I don't really know who will be reading this. I don't suppose anyone will really. I don't make apologies because I don't know if anyone will accept them. And even then, sometimes I'm not sure what I am apologizing for. Except that I can apologize for being the unfriend. Even if you don't accept it. My priorities shifted a lot over the past year. It was a process that was frustrating to me as much as with anyone else. I hope I haven't left a trail of damaged hearts behind me, or a hallway of locked doors that I will never have the key for.
It bothers me that I still have issues with things that happened as far back as high school. It scares me that I might not ever get over them. Insecurities, the drive to run instead of staying and talking about problems. I wonder how many friendships I could have saved if I had stopped running and communicated better. Things that were simple are now complex. Life was simple. We have another year left to figure out our lives, right? Not so much anymore.
Love you. | 
